Ever since I started working at the library, I've found it really hard to read books
I do bullshit with books all day. Organizing books, putting them away, moving large sections of them around the library. It’s tedious and annoying, and I hate it. When I get home I don’t want to even look at a book, and I definitely don’t want to sit down and relax with one.
Before this past year, I used to read books like it was my job. All I did was read. I didn’t watch bullshit tv, I didn’t waste so much of my time on the internet. I read. And now I pick up a book, read a couple sentences, maybe a few pages if I’m lucky, and then I’m done. I can’t do it.
My mind now associates books with the misery that I feel being at work and I hate it.
Puppies are in bed. Oliver and I are the only ones left, and he’s sleeping at my feet. So it’s just me. This is the first time I’ve been this alone in a while. Usually there’s someone roaming around just outside my door. And now there’s nothing. It’s comforting and it’s lonely, and it leaves too much to think about. I’m ready for bed. Hopefully sleep will come because if not, it’s going to be a long night in my head and that’s no good for anyone.
You made a mess of things My what a mess you’ve made I hate the way you make me feel I hate the way you make me And your world is cold outside So button up and open wide I hate the way you make me feel Sick! Sick! Sick!
then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things and crawl back into bed to dream of a time when your heart was open wide and you loved things just because like the sick and the dying. and sometimes when you’re on, you’re really fucking on and your friends they sing along and they love you. but the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap and it teases you for weeks in it’s absence. but you’ll fight and you’ll make it through; you’ll fake it if you have to.
Can we just talk about how I was totally diggin' the beach today until I got up to go walk around near the water and blacked out and I tried to sit but kinda fell and then had to just chill there in the surf for about 10 minutes until I could see/live again and then I had to leave my car there because my friend didn't trust me to drive myself home?
Well I guess we don’t need to talk about it, because that’s what happened.