*it’s not really a problem

Today was one of those days where walking around in a group full of happy couples holding hands and being cute made me absolutely miserable, and it showed, but like whatever, because sometimes this shit is really hard and not being able to hang out with/go home to the one person who really makes you the happiest fucking sucks.

Which means that there are still 14 whole days for someone to (please) deliver me my boyfriend as a birthday gift.

Thank you in advance!

But yes, I will stand outside in the sun and “help”

I can’t explain how frustrating it is, as an almost 29 year old person, to not be able to have an actual, real life conversation with either one of my parents. It’s maddening.

Tonight I went out to dinner with my dad and, against my better judgement, tried to talk to him about a couple of real things that are happening in my life. Like how I need to buy a new car and hey, I’m moving. We made a few jokes (because that’s how it goes) but it didn’t move passed that stage until later when I was in tears because I was so frustrated. But that’s the way it always is. The sarcastic remarks and “joking” comments (joking being code for mean) are as far as my parents like to take it. The actual issues hardly ever get addressed. Nothing ever gets talked about. Sweep it all under the rug. It’ll go away.

I hate it. Not only because I just want to be able to talk to them about my life, but because I see parts of myself in them when they act this way. When someone upsets me, I tend to make those same sarcastic jokes and swallow how I really feel. Sometimes it’s just easier to try and hide it because goddamn, feelings are a bitch… But I know I’ve gotten better. Little by little, I’m learning to deal with my feelings like a real life adult person, and I’m still trying to get it right.

I guess when situations like this come up, I’m reminded of what I need to work on. I need to be better for myself. I need to be better for Brad, and for my sisters, and for my friends. I need to not be a cynical jerk to the people I care about and the people who care about me because I know first hand how that feels, and it really sucks.